What they say: Attention all Frog Falls members and guests, due to a hygine error in the pool, Frog Falls will be closing for the rest of the day.
What they SHOULD say: Attention all patrons, some little crap took his own crap in the pool, therefore, we are closing for the rest of the day. We suggest murdering young children indiscriminately. Thank you.
-My ass occupies the very corner of the seat
-Children are amazed by “Made in China”
-I made seven typos I had to fix in the above reason
-I nearly got a concussion on a sharp turn
-Seat belts are worthless
-My Allergy meds did shit
-The kids thought we were going to Neverland
-My bag is constantly assaulted by corn chips
-I am tempted to play a really high screeching noise to shut these kids up
-A kid said “No playing Angry Birds on your phone” while I was writing this
-I garuntee many typos
-Somehow, all the music on my iPod is gone
- 1/9 of all readers are going to believe I’m being over dramatic
-The guy in the seat across from me is weirding me out
-I hear “Surfin Bird” in my head
-Every kid is screaming
-IM STUCK ON CAPS LOCK
-I’m getting no bars, and can’t browse thinkgeek.com
-I had enough inspiration to begin writing this in 2 minutes
-Inspiration has comtinied to come at a steady pace
-Putting a dash before every statement is starting to get annoying
-Seriously considering the tone thing mentioned earlier
-Autocorrect stopped working
-The bumps are getting worse
-I forgot to bring my Kindle
-I’m not good with children
-A kid just said “Curse you older people!”
-Every instinct in me screams to play the tone
-Even writing this is getting boring
-These kids are speaking foreign
-The seat hurts my butt
-Everything’s starting from the beginning
- I AM PLAYING THE FREAKING TONE!!!
(Shortly after the writing of this article, a kid shit himself, and some retarded kid kept asking for me to play Kids Bop, I nearly punched him.)
Hello! This is the Zombie Survival FAQ! You are either reading this because you are very paranoid, or because you need help and assistance in the impending apocalypse, so lets begin!
Q; What is a zombie?
A zombie is a being created through either BLAAACK MAAAGIC, or the Umbrella Cooperation releasing the T-Virus as foretold to happen 14 years ago. It has no desire other then to eat your brain, because zombies are snotty and animal brains aren’t good enough for them. Pricks.
Q: How do I kill a zombie?
Can you kill what is already dead? That is the question. Heh, philosophy… But seriously, you can’t kill them, you can seemingly do so, but they were never alive. So yes you can can’t can’t can can can can’t can can’t can’t can’t kill a zombie. Figure it out you lazy good for nothing.
Q: Guns are bad right?
No guns are good, guns are always good.
Q: But can’t you run out of ammo?
That doesn’t make guns any less awesome.
Q: Should I just charge into the horde with like, a sword or something?
Yes, that’s common sense, just like it is to bathe in a 87% solution of HYDROCHLORIC ACID. So go out there tiger, I’m betting on you.
Q: Where should I hide?
At that Wal-Mart everyone else is hiding in, just kill everyone first.
Q: Wow, there are a LOT of Oreos, should I pig out ?
Yes, everyone knows the most important component to your group is a 300 pound lard sac.I
Q: Now that it’s the apocalypse, can I do whatever I want?
Yup, you sure can! Now that humanity is lacking any governmental structure, there are NO RULES! Best of all, you don’t have to go to kindergarten anymore!
Q: That was rude…
That isn’t a question.
Q: Will the next Hunger Games movie come out?
No, I guess you’ll have to learn how to READ.
Q: How about Brad Pitt, anymore Brad Pitt movies?
In the time it takes to read this answer, Brad Pitt will become a zombie.
Q: What’s a better weapon, a katana or a chainsaw?
If you use the katana, you’ll slice your arm off, if you use the chainsaw, you’ll slice off your genitalia. Try a pool noodle instead.
Q: No really, katana or chainsaw?
Chainsaw, because where are you going to find a katana. It’s a FUCKING katana.
Q: Can I repopulate the Earth?
No. That’s my job.
Q: Rather cross, don’t you think?
Please see “That was rude”.
Q: Is the apocalypse fun?
Flip a coin, if heads, no. If tails, no.
Q: One last question, is zombie blood safe to consume?
Why yes, of course it is, you do know how sterile corpses are right? It’s actually beneficial to your health. Plus, it tastes like Mountain Dew. Just. Like. Mountain Dew.
Q: Wait, I think there’s a zombie in my house, what do I do?!
Thank you for reading the Zombie Survival FAQ. I hope this has answered all your questions about the impending apocalypse. Thank you, and goodbye.
Q: Wait, you have to help me, please!!!!!
Q: Oh, Sweet Jesus stay back, stay back, please…
Q: AHHHHHGH!!! NOOOO!!!! STOP!!!! *gurgle*
Q: *rasp fading away*
Original plan: May 9th, 2012, purchase Minecraft 360, play until about 8:30 EST. Review game. Yeah, that sure as hell didn’t happen. So hear I am, prepared to actually do a review. My review will be based upon similarities to the latest PC version of Minecraft. So without further ado, let us begin the review.
Now for those who don’t know, this is an XBLA game, costing 1600 Microsoft Points, or $19.99. Well, that was completely random. The game, upon playing offers you to create a world, or play through the tutorial. The tutorial, absent in the PC version, is useful for both new players, teaching the basics of the game, and for players who want to be able to take supplies from a nearby village and castle.”
When selecting “Play Game”, you are given the choice to select whether your world is online, if it’s private, it’s name, and a world seed. Unfortunately, level generation takes far more time then it does on PC. Also, you’ll find that the game is limited to version 1.6.No End, no Pistons, Redstone Lamps, etc.
But the fact that the game is based upon 1.6 you can use seeds from 1.6, and even abuse glitches, is reassuring.
Gameplay feels the same, although I find the controls on Xbox far more comfortable. The control scheme is simple, and feels natural, especially if you have played the clone (believe me, just look at it) Total Miner: Forge, which has the exact same controls. On the topic of controls, combat feels much more natural. I found that my laptop made combat on Minecraft downright awful. The game definitely makes using the sword easier. On the downside, Creepers run rampant, even spawning in packs of five or more. Also, Enderman, Blazes, and Silverfish are absent.
I suppose I could go in depth about everything else, but this review is about how well the port was.Everything about the game is good, mining annoying as well as exciting, The Nether a interesting dimension, more of a challenge then the Overworld, and the home of Glowstone. The multiplayer amazing, especially with the usage of Xbox Live Parties. The pranks still fun, the rages over dying both hilarious and scary. I can’t wait to see where this game will head in future updates. This game, simply, is a faithful port.
OM NOM NOM NOM…… ….NOM…